Monologue Jokes (Feb 27-Mar 4, 2012)
The U.S. Bureau of Prisons announced they will allow inmates to download MP3s as long as they’re on the pre-approved list of clean music. Critics of the program, however, question the ethics of exposing prisoners to that much Celine Dion.
McDonald’s in Austria has come out with the McRibster, a deep-fried McRib topped with cheese and bacon.
… Now Americans finally have a reason to visit Austria.
… So you’re just supposed to bring your own blue cheese chipotle dipping sauce? Lame!
Gourmet cupcake bakery Sprinkles plans to launch a 24hr cupcake vending machine. This is great news since hungry drunks at 3 a.m. are notorious for their refined dessert palate.
Davy Jones from The Monkees has passed away. His family hopes the band stays out of the funeral preparations or there’s bound to be some wacky mix-ups and a lot of chasing around someone in a wig.
Snooki is reportedly pregnant. Or as the old saying goes, she’s got a bun in the spray tan booth.
Bank of America will introduce a new monthly fee for account holders who don’t bank online. It’s their way of saying, “Hey, we hate old people too.”
Davy Jones from The Monkees has passed away. Jones was a teen heartthrob back before adorable white boys talked like they grew up in Compton.
Jack Wagner, Melissa Gilbert and the actor who played “Urkel” will be on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Or as it’s now known, “Dancing With People Who Look Sorta Familiar If You’ve Been Watching A Lot of TVLand Lately”.
Jaleel White, who played “Urkel,” is busy preparing for the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. So for those currently on unemployment, FYI, the West Hollywood Best Buy is now looking to hire a new night manager.
A viral photo of a gay Marine’s homecoming kiss has already received 15,000 ‘likes’ on Facebook. And a few more ‘likes’ by Ryan Seacrest this morning in his shower.
A conservation group provides iPads to orangutans at several zoos so they may communicate with each other via video chat.
… The orangutans have already grown bored with the video chat and are catching up on “Breaking Bad”.
… The orangutans have now set up a Kickstarter account to raise money for iPhones for the giraffes.
Miami police say Chris Brown angrily snatched away a fan’s iPhone and then drove away. On the plus side, there were no broken noses so Brown is finally making progress in his anger management! Baby steps, Chris, baby steps…
Rick Santorum said he doesn’t believe in the separation of church and state. Santorum stands firm in his beliefs and promises not to be swayed by such radical ideas of the 1770’s.
The Swedish royal family have released photos of their newborn baby girl. Newborns are often challenging but luckily Swedish babies come with detailed assembly instructions and an Allen wrench.
John McCain said he will not watch “Game Change”, the HBO movie about the 2008 presidential election.Mainly because it airs at the same time as “Murder She Wrote”.
Many have commented that Angelina Jolie looked emaciated while presenting at the Oscars. It was difficult to get a good look at her, however, since she was hidden behind that microphone stand.
Over the weekend,”Act of Valor”, topped the weekend box office, depicting the real life heroism of actual active-duty Navy SEALs. The movie is so real, you’d swear you’re playing “Call of Duty”.
Adam Sandler received a record 11 Razzie nominations, an award honoring the worst movies of the year. Sandler admitted the nominations are embarrassing but he plans to console himself by rolling around in his massive piles of money.
